The 2012-13 season is over. I know it, you know it, and the teams and players know it. So whom does the full-season lockout benefit the most? Who gets the short end of the [broken] stick? I’ve broken it down team-by-team for you:
Boston Bruins: The Bruins got all their players re-signed pre-lockout and will probably get an amnesty clause for Tim Thomas because Jeremy Jacobs is driving the negotiations (off a cliff).
Colorado Avalanche: A lockout would make other fans forget about everyone else as much as they already forget about the Avs.
Columbus Blue Jackets: The Blue Jackets don’t have to embarrass themselves by hosting an All-Star game where none of their players make it, even though technically each team is guaranteed at least one representative.
Detroit Red Wings: By the time the lockout is over, most the team will be receiving AARP checks and the medical staff will be paid via Medicaid, allowing the Red Wings the cap space to sign Dominik Hasek again, as well as other players who were good ten years ago.
Florida Panthers: The Florida Panthers and their fans can enjoy the nice December weather and not have to worry about that strange ice sport, and they are relieved from their duties of trying to figure out what the hell ice actually is.
Los Angeles Kings: Despite the rest of the league being locked out, the Sacramento Kings have been able to play games and may contend for the 8th seed, says an anonymous ESPN source.
Minnesota Wild: Although he won’t be getting paid, Zach Parise doesn’t have to pretend to like living in New Jersey.
Nashville Predators: Not having a season means not having to pay their players, so they can put off for another year breaking the news to Shea Weber that they don’t actually have the money he’s owed.
New York Islanders: Fans and players alike can rest easy for at least one year without the impending threat of having the Nassau Mausoleum roof collapse on their heads or suffering from asbestos poisoning.
Phoenix Coyotes: They will have the only arena to maintain its attendance numbers during the lockout, plus the organization saves money by no longer having to keep the lights on.
Pittsburgh Penguins: The Penguins can’t wait for the lockout, at the end of which they will inevitably draft the next Wayne Gretzky.
Anaheim Ducks: Fans have to hope that watching the Ducks in the third installment of the franchise (courtesy of two full-season lockouts) isn’t incredibly disappointing like it was with the movie series.
Buffalo Sabres: Staying with their gameplan, the players on the Sabres will continue to do nothing when someone rails them in face, physically or metaphorically.
Calgary Flames: The Flames probably won’t even notice that the season is gone, since the team rarely shows up to games anyway.
Dallas Stars: Dallas fans have plenty of other options of great local teams to root for during the lockout, such as the wildly popular and successful Dallas Cowboys.
Edmonton Oilers: The players don’t even really know what’s going on since half of them aren’t even old enough to own their own bank account.
New Jersey Devils: The Devils will have a year to rebuild and re-strategize after a very disappointing season, I assume by looking at their profit margins.
Philadelphia Flyers: It doesn’t really matter what happens, because the word is going to end on December 21 anyway, says whack job Ilya Bryzgalov.
San Jose Sharks: The Sharks would be winners if somehow the season is salvaged because it would last for only three months, and they usually wait about five months before falling apart.
St. Louis Blues: None of the players’ stats will really be affected any differently than if they played a full season, which would consist of 82 0-0 games.
Washington Capitals: The lockout just pushes forward a year the inevitability of losing Ovechkin when he bolts for Russia instead of playing in DC, where he gets benched as punishment for being the best player on either team.
Carolina Hurricanes: A lockout means more time that captain Eric Staal has to spend with his brothers, who he is already sick of and could not imagine spending any more time with, especially during the season.
Chicago Blackhawks: Patrick Kane having an entire year off to himself is just a PR disaster waiting to happen.
Montreal Canadiens: Without hockey to cover, the ravenous Montreal press won’t be able to continue their tradition of running coaches and players out of town, which also means that Scott Gomez and his hilarious contract aren’t going anywhere.
New York Rangers: Not only do they lose a year of playing with Henrik Lundqvist in his goaltending prime, WE lose a year of looking at Henrik Lundqvist in his sexual prime.
Ottawa Senators: The development of young defenseman Erik Karlsson will be stunted as he can’t help but feel partially responsible for the lockout, since half the GMs’ brains exploded all over the walls when they heard the results of the Norris Trophy voting.
Tampa Bay Lightning: Lightning forward Martin St. Louis said he may retire if the full season is wiped, which is surprising since half the league thought he retired seven years ago when the Lightning were last relevant.
Toronto Maple Leafs: As if they needed any extra help, the Leafs will go yet another year without making the playoffs.
Vancouver Canucks: A missed season ends their streak of having the best record in the regular season, which is as far as the season goes as far as most of their players are concerned.
Winnipeg Jets: Getting a beloved team back for a year right before a devastating lockout is a lot like being presented with a delicious birthday cake, and not being able to eat it. Also, later Dustin Byfuglien eats the entire cake.
Think I got it wrong? Leave a comment and let me know just how wrong (or stupid) I am and where you would place each team!